Vincent Abisoye

Let’s talk about relationships today.

I will be putting more emphasis on dating relationships or “courtship”, as we love to refer to it in Christian circles.

There are a lot of misconceptions that young people have regarding what and how they expect their partners to relate to them the moment they agree to start dating each other.

I want us to consider some of these misconceptions and proffer possible solutions to them.

Misconception #1: If You Love Me, You Will Accept Me Just As I am

One terrible attitude many youngsters bring to the table in dating relationships is the erroneous belief that they don’t have to work on their negative and repulsive  attitudes.

They think that if the other party really loves them, he or she will accept them the way they are.

In a nutshell, people with this type of negative attitude believe it is a compulsory cross their partner must carry through life in their relationship.

What a misconception!

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This is very common with ladies. You hear a lot of them say something like “He sees me like that before he decides to date me; so he just has to accept me as I am.”

My dear girl, you are on a wild goose chase, because sooner or later, this type of attitude will boomerang!

For instance, if you are a very demanding person, who wants to know everything about every move or action of your partner, then you have to watch it.

Or if you are the type who loves to control the way your partner should respond or react to every situation, what he should say to you, how he should say it and when he should say it, you need to watch it!

Someone’s got to change, and you can be sure it’s not your partner but you.

A person is said to expect too much from their partner if his or her demands are self-centred!

A person is said to expect too much from their partner if his or her demands are self-centred!

Misconception #2: Expecting Too Much From Your Partner

Let’s get this clear before we proceed in our discussion: When can we say a person is expecting too much in a relationship?

A person is said to expect too much from their partner if his or her demands are self-centred!

For instance, if you always dictate to people how you expect them to treat you, in every situation while you feel you don’t have to play any part, you are expecting too much from them.

You need to realise that your partner is human with his or her own myriads of needs, and you cannot always predict their responses or actions.

These are some of the telltale signs that you are expecting too much from your partner:

  • You expect him or her to know when you feel sick.
  • You expect him to know you are broke. You expect him to know that when you’re doing your monthly period, you can get cranky.
  • You expect her to know you don’t like chatting on WhatsApp;
  • You expect him to know he should check on you regularly during the day, even if it’s dropping a line.

While it is ideal and healthy for us to have good expectations in our relationship, expecting too much of your partner will hurt you sooner or later.

The reason is because your partner is human, with their own limitations and struggles.

And this is why it is harmful to your relationship not to give the other partner the benefit of the doubt.

Let me give you some practical examples.

Recently, a friend of mine was furious that her fiance didn’t call her all day, and she started coming to many ugly conclusions about the guy.

“He’s not smart; he’s sure not as caring as I thought he was” she said.

However, when my friend later found out the reason her fiance hadn’t gotten in touch with her, she felt so selfish and sorry.

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Also, I remember another friend telling me how she had been feeling a little under the weather and had informed her fiance, expecting him to show up at her door the next day with food and delicacies, which apparently did not happen.

She told me about how she demanded to know why he didn’t come to visit her in spite of his constant claims to love her.

She continued, “Abisoye, I’ve seen in movies and on social media how a guy is supposed to act when his fiance is sick.”

As much as I agree with that, I also believe it is something that can be worked out.

I mean she could have communicated it to her fiance in a way that it doesn’t look demanding.

When I broke out laughing, she asked, “Is this funny?”

The point is that it’s not only funny, but also a mere fantasy or daydream!

You see, this my friend in question has seen a few things that have created some surreal images in her head.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t care about your spouse or be unconcerned about their well-being, but it does mean you need to adjust and re-evaluate your expectations in a relationship.

Let me put it boldly to you here that there is no such thing as “love security” in a dating relationship.

Let me put it boldly to you here that there is no such thing as “love security” in a dating relationship.

Misconception #3: If He/She Truly Loves Me, He/She Can Never Leave Me.

Let me discuss this last misconception that many young people have in dating relationships.

It is about the misguided notion that if a guy or girl truly loves you as they claim, they will never leave you irrespective of how bad your attitude may be.

You need to correct this attitude if you don’t want a big disappointment and heartbreak.

Let me put it boldly to you here that there is no such thing as “love security” in a dating relationship.

Even people that have been married for many years still have problems and separate from each other.

Fire Up Your Relationship
Fire Up Your Relationship

If you want your partner’s love for you to be secured, then you must be ready to do the right things to preserve his or her love.

You can’t keep doing things wrongly and expect to keep getting love and affection in return.

A Christian dating relationship is meant to progress into marriage, provided the two parties involved know they have to work together to make the relationship what it ought to be.

You cannot keep being nonchalant, disrespectful, carefree, stubborn, discourteous, and still claim “if he really loves me, he will love me as I am” Or “…she will love me as I am.”

In the words of a wise man, “What sense does it make to keep saying sorry to a person, when you keep knocking him with a hammer non-stop?”

Your saying sorry does more damage to the person than the hammer itself.

Instead of saying sorry to the person, first stop knocking them with a hammer!

What’s the lesson here?

You must first make an effort on your part to work on yourself, by stopping every attitude that may be detrimental to the health of your relationship, instead of saying your partner has no choice but to learn to live with you the way you are.

whatever attitude you want to prevail in your relationship, YOU MUST BE THE FIRST PERSON to sow it into the relationship.

Be the First Person To Sow A Great Attitude

A cardinal, unspoken rule of great relationships is that, whatever attitude you want to prevail in your relationship, YOU MUST BE THE FIRST PERSON to sow it into the relationship.

For instance, if you want your partner to improve in the area of communication, then get ready to set the pace to always be the first person to communicate.

You must be ready to do it till the other party starts feeling obligated to also do it in return!

When it comes to sowing the seeds of your expectations into your relationship, be ready to do it for the long haul before expecting to see any result.

If you feel your partner is not caring and thoughtful enough, start sowing the seeds of care and thoughtfulness into his or her life.

That is the only way to achieve your end result. That is the only way to get your partner indebted to you!

You can never get it done by assuming, guessing, expecting him or her to do it first.

If you want an attitude badly enough in your partner, then you must be ready to sow badly enough for a harvest of such attitude.

Stop saying, “He hasn’t called me since morning, and I swear I won’t call him either.”

The point is, if you are the first to feel a need, then you must not expect your partner to be first to respond to that need.

Rather, you must first do something about it; and the best way to meet such a need is to sow a seed that will give you a harvest of what you desire in your partner. 

Fire Up Your Relationship
Fire Up Your Relationship

Get Ready To Wear Your “Relationship Attire”

Walking into a relationship and making it work entails more than you can imagine.

For example, when you walk into a theatre for a surgery,  you don’t go in all dressed up as if you’re going to a wedding. If you do, you’ll have to remove some items and change into theatre attire.

I remember when I visited the dentist, having several items removed while lying on the treatment couch, and having to wear shades and an apron for the purpose.

The same applies when you enter a dating relationship.

You need to shed some attitude and get dressed in such a way as to play your part in order to make your relationship work.

Follow the Process: Sow, Wait and Reap

In a nutshell, what I’m trying to drive at in this message is that your expectations in a relationship are not realizable.

Rather, your expectations may not just occur as quickly as you hope because they take a specific process of sowing, waiting and reaping! Cheers!

I pray that God will open your eyes and give you quick understanding to make your relationship work.

Fire Up Your Relationship

Let Me Hear From You

I want you to leave me a note in the comment section below. Let me know how much this message has blessed you.

Also, share some of the misconceptions that hinder a dating relationship with me. We can learn together.

Till I see you here again, peace!